Lonely Hearts Still Beat the Same
by LinnyRoo
Summary: A look at what happens when MerDer fall into a tangled web of angst. When they are pushed to the breaking point, will they follow their hearts or continue to damage each other? Slightly AU after 2.24 by a first time fanfic writer. Updated with Chapter 6!
1. Miniature Disasters

Chapter 1: Miniature Disasters

_Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. I do not work for ABC. If someday the fates should align and Shonda was to take me under her wing, I would die a very happy girl. Until then, I am just a college student with no purpose in the world but to study into oblivion._

_Okay so long title, I know. But it's perfect. This is my first crack at GA fan fiction, so please be nice to me. I would love reviews because they'll help me figure out what is working and what isn't. But here it is. I thought that it might be fun to write a story with a title and chapters all named from songs that were played on Grey's. So I'm going to give it a shot. The story begins at the end of episode 2.24 - Damage Case. To refresh, this was the episode in which Meredith delivers her You Don't Get to Call Me a Whore speech. In my world however, she does not go straight to Finn's that night. She goes somewhere else. Somewhere she likes very much. You'll see. Enjoy, and please review!_

Meredith Grey loved tequila. Meredith Grey loved tequila so much she didn't mind having a stable relationship with it. In fact, it was the only relationship that she seemed to be able to maintain, even if it wasn't a healthy one. Tonight was a night when Meredith and Tequila got along just fine: they kept each other company. Tequila got to swim in her blood stream, play games with her brain and challenge her liver. Meredith got to soak her worries, drown in self-loathing and splash into a night of blurry portraits and landscapes. As Meredith was keen on believing, life was just so much better when Tequila was her companion. They needed each other. The only trouble was that Meredith and Tequila were not alone: when Meredith met Tequila at Joe's, other people tended to interfere.

"Seriously," Cristina sighed as she pushed the peanut shells on the counter and dropped her purse onto the now-cleared space with a large thud that made Meredith jump. "Bailey is going to kick my ass and I, Cristina Yang, fearless alpha-female, well I am scared shitless."

"And what exactly did you do this time?" Meredith muttered, picking up a peanut shell and studying its various grooves and unique lines. She smiled, nearly positive that she could make out a face from some discolored areas on the shell's exterior.

"It was more what I didn't do – I was supposed to be on scut but I scooted into an emergency valve replacement and so, no post-op notes got done and when she found out that not only did I abandon the charts but that I sort of stole Bambi's spot, things got messy. Seriously, Bambi is a tattle tale! Meredith, he is that kid from third grade who everyone stole lunch money from just because he's so irritating. A tattle tale," Cristina grabbed a handful of nuts from the basket and broke the shells with such fury that Meredith's ever-growing shot glass pyramid nearly toppled over.

"So did she find you yet?" Meredith managed, silently proud that she was not only spilling out coherent sentences, but that she was helping to carry their conversation. Such a feat was something to celebrate so she kicked back her tenth shot and then gave Cristina a cheesy grin. Cristina gazed at her, upset with Meredith's lack of concern, so instead Meredith gave a sour frown hoping that it would appease her friend.

"Yup – she told me that I am banned from the OR for a week. A week?!" Cristina emphasized, trying to convey the seriousness of the notion. Meredith gave her a drunken smirk, which resulted in Cristina sighing heavily and explaining in terms that Meredith would understand. Clearly, her words were not registering with Meredith on this night. "A week, Mer. That is like telling you that you and Jose Cuervo have to be apart for a week." And with this, Meredith's eyes stood alarmed and came close to jumping from their sockets. She nearly lunged across the bar at Joe, demanding another shot for fear that she and Tequila had only one more minute to be together.

"Ouch," she finally responded after another shot glass was placed in front of her. She smiled and let the liquid burn a path down her throat, the familiar warmth comforting Meredith.

"How will I get through this?" Cristina asked, swigging a large gulp of beer after popping another peanut into her mouth. She looked at Meredith as if she were in search of wisdom that would save her. "God, I can't believe that I am asking drunken Meredith for advice, or input for that matter." Cristina shook her head, and swished her mug of beer.

"Um," Meredith rubbed her nose with her palm, twitched her mouth a bit and thought for nearly a minute. "Lots of hot on-call room sex with Burke? Or you could have lots of kinky apartment sex with him. Sex is nice. Almost as nice as my good friend Tequila. Have you met?" She giggled and gave another cheesy grin, completely satisfied with her answer.

"Meredith, I love sex. But I could go a week without it. Surgery? I struggle being away from the OR for even ten hours. Sex will not solve this," Cristina whined, turning to Meredith and frowning.

"Have you told Burke that you enjoy watching him use a scalpel more than you enjoy having him inside of you?" Meredith accused blankly, her words beginning to slur together. She began to count the shot glasses in front her absently.

"Yeah, sure Mer. That would go over great with Burke. He's still pissed at me for falling asleep before he was done this morning. If I manage to get him to have sex with me tonight, I'll be sure to remind him that I prefer the scalpel, not his penis. Lovely idea. Seriously? The tequila is really starting to screw with the only some-what rational portion of your brain."

"Whatever," Meredith muttered, turning sour as she only counted eleven shot glasses. She motioned to Joe, which was really just an extended finger and a look of longing. Meredith's third best friend in the world, next to Cristina and Tequila, passed a concerned glance but obliged, filling a shot glass with the last of the alcohol in the bottle.

"What crawled up your ass and burrowed there?" Cristina scrunched her nose at Meredith, ready to focus on someone else's problems for the rest of the night.

"McJackass called me a whore," Meredith admitted. This did not take much coaxing on Cristina's part considering the fact that tequila had a way of breaking down Meredith's well constructed barriers. She shrugged, and traced circles with her index finger in the mess of shells and crumbs on the bar's countertop.

"And why did he call you a whore?" Cristina smiled inside, knowing that at least some part of the universe was still intact. Maybe she was banned from the OR but at least Meredith was still drinking away her misery and providing something for Cristina to focus on.

"He saw me at Finn's. After I birthed a pony. I had showered. I was in Finn's shirt. Derek thinks we had sex. Whatever, I don't care." Meredith pouted and brushed the hair out of her face with a vicious swiping hand.

"Seriously? Is that why we are trying to rid Joe of all the tequila he has? Seriously?" Cristina prodded, loving her role as the sole friend who got to toy with the beyond drunk Meredith.

"I don't care. It's just that you, you can call me a whore. Hell, even Alex can call me a whore. But Derek, he can't. It's a rule. And he did. So he broke the rule. And it just pisses me off," Meredith paused and licked her lips savoring the flavor of tequila still remaining there. "Oh, and you know what, I have not been a whore. I have not had sex in like two months. Not a whore. I have one very holey and un-wearable sweater-scarf-thing to prove it."

"Yes Meredith."

"No sex. Two months. Sweater-thing. I am not a whore." Meredith lifted her head valiantly, as if to show everyone in the Emerald City Bar that she was right and had plenty of evidence to speak in her defense.

"I don't see why you should care – you have McVet anyways. Forget McJackass and start doing the pony midwife. You said yourself that sex is nice. I always thought that you giving up sex was a stupid idea anyways. You and tequila were made for each other. You and celibacy? Not so much." Cristina simply laughed, finishing her beer and patting Meredith on the arm. It was as close to a loving gesture as Cristina knew.

"I should hurt you for saying that. But I don't think I will," with this decision, Meredith rested her head on the edge of the bar and sighed. Moments later, the door to the bar opened with its familiar jingle, indicating that Joe would be filling another glass that night. Cristina swiveled on her chair, anticipating that George was coming to chew her out for taking his spot in surgery. Instead, she found the mass of dark hair, navy blue eyes of anger and slim frame that made up a sincerely pissed off and disturbed Derek Shepherd. With a few quick strides, he was at the opposite end of the bar ordering a glass of scotch. Knowing that her night would be a huge and irresolvable mess if she left Meredith within a 20 foot radius of him, Cristina fished through Meredith's purse for her phone and called Finn. Meredith found entertainment in mumbling random thoughts about yarn and sex, completely oblivious to the actions that were taking place around her and utterly affected by the copious amounts of alcohol that she had consumed.

"Hey Finn, this is Cristina. Meredith's friend, yes. She got a little carried away at the bar and I hate to drag you from whatever you're doing but she really wants you to come get her. We're at Joe's, across from the hospital. See you in ten," Cristina hung up, completely ecstatic about what would soon take place. Knowing how broken Meredith had been after Derek left her, and how he was causing pain to seep back into her life, Cristina was ready to do what she could to make the neurosurgeon's life a living hell. She wanted him to live and breathe a pain twice as destructive as what Meredith was feeling. And as soon as Meredith was safely tucked away in Finn's bed, Cristina planned on letting Derek know exactly as she felt. "Meredith, Finn called. He is coming to get you."

"Oh, Finn, good. I might like Finn, I think. I should knit him a sweater! A nice and fuzzy and green sweater…" Meredith's eyes scrunched into slits of confusion as she spotted Derek across the bar. He was hunched over, nursing his scotch slowly, clearly deep in painful misery. She nearly threw herself off of her bar stool, the sudden movement and combination of alcohol in her blood stream making her dizzy enough to brace herself by holding on to the lip of the bar.

"Woah Meredith where are you going?" Cristina stood, grabbing a hold of her friend's tiny frame, praying that Derek would not see them. However, Meredith's incredibly loud giggle and sudden erratic movement had caused most of the bar to look their way. Derek's eyes lingered after the nurses, a few interns and some random citizens had all looked away.

He stared at Meredith, a pool of anger, self-loathing and concern dwelled in the pit of his stomach. Derek had never seen Meredith this drunk: part of him hated her for drinking away her problems, a part of him recognized that he was the reason for it and another part of him wanted to do nothing but run up to her, cradle her in his arms and tuck her into bed with some aspirin and a glass of water. He watched Meredith teeter between fits of giggles and random bits of conversation as her friend struggled to maintain control. He hadn't realized that he had been staring for almost ten minutes until he saw Cristina glare at him. After forcing him to look away for a minute, he returned to steal a look at his Meredith only to find that Finn had an arm wrapped around Meredith's nearly non-existent waist and was leading her out of the bar. At that sight, he motioned to Joe for another glass of scotch and shuttered as Cristina made her way over to him.

"I'm going to make this short and sweet. You really should apologize to her, beg and grovel for her forgiveness even. But you know what doctor Shepherd, you are an ass and you certainly don't deserve her forgiveness. In fact, you deserve nothing from her and I hope that knowledge haunts you until the day that you grow a pair and stop toying with her. Just leave her the fuck alone," Cristina said in such a cold and detached voice laden with pure hatred that not even she recognized it.

"Gladly, doctor Yang, gladly," Derek answered bitterly, taking a large chug of his scotch while his insides screamed at him. And as Cristina marched out of the bar, Derek could only dwell on the fact that he had managed to break the best thing in his life into a million unobtainable pieces. What scared him more than anything was that he might not get the chance to try and repair the damage. He had pushed Meredith away, and he feared that he would never get the chance to bring her back to him.


	2. I Wouldn't Like Me

Chapter 2: You Wouldn't Like Me

_Disclaimer: I still do not own Grey's Anatomy. I would love to, except that if I did I would have to deal with cast members saying slurs in press conferences and pissing off the other cast members. Regardless, I would still love to own Grey's and unfortunately I don't. Sorry, I'm a bit ticked about how winning the Golden Globe was tarnished by someone not being able to keep their mouth shut._

_So thank you to everyone who reviewed… I really appreciated such a great response to my first chapter. And let me just say, before you read this that I hate Finn. I wanted him off of the show ASAP last season, but Finn is a really good wedge between Meredith and Derek. A really complicated wedge. A really fun wedge to write about. So please don't hate me, but McVet is going to hang around for a while. Insert smiling face begging for understanding. I'm working on making my chapters longer, and I'm really going to try hard to make this one super long. In return, I would love some more reviews! Seriously, they help more than you know. Oh and remember, Meredith and Finn have not had their Scary and Damaged Talk yet._

_PS- In this story, George and Meredith never had awkward sex. Well, I mean they never had any type of sex. George still likes Mer, and Meredith still has no clue that he does. Forgot to mention that before. Okay, now for the actual chapter._

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The sunlight that had slowly been filtering into the room for the past hour suddenly splashed onto Meredith's sleeping form with its strongest intensity. She moaned instantly, sheltering her face with her tiny hands and squished her eyes shut as tight as she could praying that it would block the sun out forever. Ironically, what might have been the first sunny and dry day in Seattle within six months arrived the morning when Meredith was consumed by the most persistently awful hangover. And Meredith had done quite a bit of drinking in the past months and had quite a few persistently awful hangovers to boot. For some reason hangovers on rainy days weren't so bad, probably because the weather didn't mock her. But this one was certainly the worst she could remember and as far as Meredith was concerned, the sun was taunting her and erupting in laughter at her expense. Meredith rolled to her other side in the large bed, finding that there was yet another window that the sunlight streamed through.

"This is not my house," she whined, finding that her attempt at speaking was a raspy excuse for a voice. She peeked from the small slit between her fingers as she sat up in bed, instantly dizzy and still wildly confused. The room was clean, pristine even. A sweater and a pair of men's pajama pants lay on a wicker chair in the corner, and they were folded. For a minute, she worried that in some horrible twist of fate she was trapped in Burke's apartment. "This is definitely not my house."

Meredith closed her eyes heavily and moved the hairs that clung to her forehead to the side with an aggressive swipe of her hand. The smell of bacon that had been lingering in the air suddenly assaulted her nostrils, and the urge to vomit swept over Meredith's body. She jumped out of bed, her feet padding on the wood floor beneath her as she ran into the bathroom. She thrust herself at the toilet bowl and her body jerked as the bitterness of bile covered her taste buds. When her body had ridded itself of what little was in her stomach in three installments, Meredith pulled herself up to the sink and cupped the stream of cold water in her hands, splashing it on her face and then rinsing her mouth with it.

"Oh Tequila, the things that you put me through," Meredith pouted, staring at her reflection in the mirror. She recognized herself, simply because she looked miserable. Dark circles stood beneath her eyes, her hair was a matted mess that smelled of alcohol and her skin was a pasty white. "Yup, definitely the Meredith I know."

However, Meredith realized that the smell of bacon she had encountered earlier meant that she was not alone with her hangover. Someone was cooking for her, and suddenly the scenes of the previous night came streaming back to her in tiny little pieces. She recalled a tall and impressive pyramid of shot glasses, Cristina's laughter, conversation about sex and scalpels and of course the icing on the cake: the scene of a broken and angry Derek on the other end of the bar. That memory filled Meredith with a toxic feeling, one that rocked her to the core. It brought back a river of changing emotions. And when she thought about the way that he cradled his glass of scotch the night before, she knew that it was her fault. She had let him back into her life when she had known better; Derek did not have the self control to separate himself from her. Meredith had saved him, she had brought him back to the surface when he had been drowning and now she had thrown him back into the pit of dangerous water that she was sure would ruin him forever.

Meredith tip toed back into the bedroom, standing in front of the dresser and finally realizing where she was. A small black and white photo rested in a frame before her, it was of Finn and holding a tiny puppy. Meredith wondered why Finn had a photo of himself and realized that the picture must have been sentimental because of who was behind the camera. It was then that she realized that there was a tiny, shiny object on his left hand. A ring. She shuttered: amazed at her luck. Another married one.

"I really know how to pick 'em," Meredith frowned, realizing that she was still wearing her sweater and jeans from the night before and that she smelled like she had bathed in tequila. After showering and scrubbing off the scent of Joe's that reminded her of all her mistakes, Meredith put on the clothes that had been left for her by Finn.

"Hey, at least I've got some experience in breaking up with men who have been married and totally lied to me throughout our relationship," she thought to herself and saying the words aloud filled her heart with ache. Not because she was about to confront Finn, not because it was possible that yet another relationship would come to a screeching halt, but because when she should have been sad about all those things all she could think of was that this would not hurt at all. It seemed that nothing hurt her anymore except for something that involved Derek. Instantly, she cursed herself for thinking about him again. This was not healthy.

Meredith walked into Finn's great room, only the tiniest piece of her worried about what would happen next. He smiled as he set a plate of pancakes, perfectly cooked pieces of bacon and a large cup of coffee in front of her and then took a seat too. Hesitant to speak, and silently wishing that it was a stack of reheated grilled cheese on her plate, Meredith opted for a painful and irritating silence that stood between her and Finn.

"I never would have thought that you would be much of a tequila-drinker," Finn smiled and Meredith was thankful that he hadn't chastised her for her drinking habits. But it was then that she realized he didn't know her drinking habits, he didn't make witty comments about tequila and she did not find herself half naked in his car. Suddenly, Meredith was more grateful for Finn's secret than she could imagine: he wouldn't have to get to know her and he wouldn't have to like her.

"I never would have thought that you would be that guy," Meredith smiled back. This was a cruel and sick way of ending something, even worse than her morning after speeches.

"What guy?" Finn questioned, a little startled by the tone of her voice.

"The guy who hides the fact that he is married from his mistress," Meredith raised her brows, and the look that froze Finn's face made her want to crawl into a hole and never come out. That was not the look of trying to figure out how to continue the lie and it was not the look of being sorry: it was the look of a heart on display and a hundred dangerous memories coming flooding back.

"I'm not that guy. I couldn't be that guy, even if I wanted to," Finn remarked, his eyes sincere and somehow understanding. He wasn't mad. In that instant, Meredith knew that she did not deserve the man in front her. She had just insulted him, accused him of adultery and as he interrupted her thoughts by continuing, Meredith's brain fell into a tailspin. "I was married. For three years. And then a tractor-trailer on the express-way happened. And my wife in a tiny Corolla on the express-way happened."

"I am so sorry," Meredith began to tear up. She felt like a terrible excuse for a human being.

"It's okay; I assume you saw the only picture of me in my house. That was the first dog that I rescued," Finn answered, grabbing Meredith's hand and holding it from across the tiny table.

"You're-" Meredith could barely speak. "You're not mad?"

"No." Finn answered, his eyes searching Meredith's. He yearned to understand her and the way that her eyes moved wildly, her mind clearly racing to find the words to express her sorrow, made him do nothing but smile.

"You should be mad Finn. You should be really mad at me," she told him in a meek scratch.

"Maybe." He smiled again, confusing Meredith. She was a doctor, a surgeon, basically a considerably intelligent person. But she could not figure out why Finn was looking at her like he was and why he didn't seem to care that she had totally crossed the line between casual dating and a relationship full of sharing by accusing him of having a wife.

"Why?" Meredith asked, full of bewilderment.

"Why what?"

"Why aren't you mad?" She waited for it: the real thunderstorm of bad news. He was remarried, he was a creepy stalker-vet that was about to murder her, something. Some shred of something that would help her understand him.

"Because clearly, you've got baggage too," and with that, Meredith's mind slowed down and her heart twittered. She looked at the man across from her and a smile that was so unfamiliar to her cheeks spread across her face. Maybe she did understand him, or maybe someday she could come to understand him. "But I kind of think that you owe me one."

"Owe you one what?" Meredith asked, tilting her head to the side.

"Well I mean I just told you that I'm a widow. That's kind a big thing to admit during our first breakfast together. So tell me something big, Meredith." Finn urged, in a sort of relaxed and understanding way that comforted her. Meredith paused, thought about her well constructed emotional barriers and then let go.

"Well, my mother, she has Alzheimer's. She was a world famous surgeon and my father left when I was five. And now that I can finally earn her respect, she doesn't remember anything. There are days when she looks right into my eyes and I am literally a stranger," Meredith confessed, unable to even look at Finn for fear that she might have scared him off.

"So we're both alone in the world," Finn remarked in a soothing voice, his thumb stroking Meredith's.

"Maybe we aren't anymore," she smiled at him, and for the first time in months, she was pretty sure that there was hope; hope that she could be happy, hope that she could come to like pancakes and bacon.

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"Holy batman," Izzie whispered down the stairs, her eyes wide with confusion and utter awe. "George, get up here." He clobbered his way up the stairs, nearly tripping on the wooden steps.

"What, what is it?" George whispered in a voice full of worry and concern, scared by Izzie's expression.

"Look," Izzie remarked, nearly jamming George's head into the door frame. The two stood silently, stoic as they watched Meredith in her room.

"She-"

"She made her bed," Izzie finished.

"She's-"

"She's got piles of clean laundry," Izzie finished.

"She's-"

"She's cleaning. George, that's a can of Pine-Sol!" Izzie whispered, her voice drowned out by the blaring music coming from Meredith's stereo. She was holding a feather duster, dancing around the room in her Dartmouth t-shirt and a pair of boy shorts. Izzie smiled and George drooled.

"Is that-"

"It's the vacuum."

"Could she be-"

"She's happy," Izzie noted, as she grabbed George for a victory dance in the hallway.

"What's going on here?" Cristina accused blankly, terrified by the scene in front of her. "Okay Tinkerbell and Bambi, this really has turned into a Disney movie. You're dancing. We don't dance. We don't have time to dance. What is going on?" Cristina screamed, ready to shake the happiness out of her friends.

"Shhh!" George covered her mouth with his hand, prompting Cristina to lick it which resulted in George crying out and wiping his hand ferociously on his jeans.

"It's nothing," Izzie answered, standing in front of Meredith's slightly ajar door, trying to keep Cristina from seeing the scene inside.

"Is, is that the Spice Girls playing?" Cristina's expression was one of pure terror. She suddenly put the pieces together and yanked Izzie by the arm. "What have you done to Meredith?" When she received no answer from either of the two culprits, Cristina ducked under Izzie's arm and barreled into Meredith's room. She stood frozen, her eyes wide and her mouth slightly open.

"Oh this is not happening," Cristina yelled, startling Meredith who practically beat her with the feather duster.

"What?!" Meredith screamed, turning to her stereo and turning down the music.

"I said 'this is not happening'." Cristina grabbed the feather duster from Meredith, and threw it into the corner.

"What isn't happening?" Meredith asked, puzzled as Cristina jumped onto her bed, yanking covers and throwing pillows in every direction. "Hey! I just made my bed you little bitch!" Meredith laughed, not relatively angry. A flash of agony spread across Cristina's face and she held Meredith's arms.

"You are happy," Cristina accused, as if Meredith had stolen the crown jewels and was keeping them in her bedroom.

"I am not!"

"What have they done to you? God Meredith, they've infected you," Cristina pointed to George and Izzie, who were each holding a pillow as a shield.

"They have not," Meredith stood stubbornly, arms folded across her chest with a giant smile plastered on her face.

"The last time that I saw you, you were soaking in a pool of tequila, mixed with misery and secret pain. You should be throwing up right now, considering the amount of alcohol you consumed last night. You two, out!" Cristina motioned to Izzie and George who looked at each other and promptly shut Meredith's door.

"I threw up plenty of times this morning, I assure you," Meredith defended, plopping down on her bed and smoothing the covers next to her. That earned her a slap on the hand by Cristina who then pulled a chair across from the bed, ready for an intervention.

"What happened?" she asked sternly, utterly disgusted and indignant.

"Nothing," Meredith smiled pleasantly.

"I had you leave with McVet. You should not be this happy, unless you had sex. Please tell me that you had sex," Cristina practically begged.

"Nope."

"Oh this is bad, seriously bad. Meredith don't tell me Der-" Cristina was cut off quickly by Meredith.

"Shut up about him. We will not speak about him, ever. Unless we need to, in which case he is called NoMcMeaningInMeredith'sLife. Got it? Secondly, Finn and I had a talk this morning. It was a terrifying talk, but a good one," Meredith answered, her eyes sparkling.

"Meredith, you do understand that we can't be friends now. You're happy. I don't do happy. **We** don't do happy. So you do know that this is pretty much the ultimate betrayal," Cristina pleaded, hoping to knock some sense into her friend.

"Finn is scary and damaged too. We are scary and damaged. But we are scary and damaged together. It's sort of like two negatives making a positive," Meredith insisted, hoping that Cristina would understand.

"You and me? We are two negatives, we don't make a positive. Please, Meredith don't go to the dark side on me."

"Cristina, I can't spend the rest of my life soaking in how did you put it? Oh, a pool of tequila, mixed with misery and secret pain," Meredith answered seriously.

"Fine, but just don't ask me to be your matron of honor. I might throw up," Cristina responded, plopping onto the bed next to Meredith.

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Now help me make my bed again," Meredith demanded, lifting a pillow off of the floor.

"Never," Cristina smiled and stood up, walking out of Meredith's room and smiling all the way down the stairs. The broken Meredith was healing and although Cristina would never admit it, she was happier than Meredith. It was quite possible that the destructive hurricane that was Derek Shepherd had finally finished damaging Meredith's life. And as Cristina sat at the kitchen table, she prayed that the waters wouldn't turn warm again.


	3. How We Operate

**Chapter 3: How We Operate**

_Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. Actually, I own pretty much nothing. Being a college student warrants that. ) However, if I did own GA, the show would be called Shepherd Explores Grey's Anatomy and would consist solely of MerDer sex scenes. Complete with a naked Patrick Dempsey. So nope, I don't own Grey's._

_First off, I'd like to apologize for my nearly one month hiatus. I got a bit jaded, considering school has started again and I have lots of reading and homework and so my free time is very substantial anymore. Also, I need reviews to keep me motivated so I was a little selfish and sort of abandoned you. Sorry about that. But I am going to try to get you at least three more chapters this month, so hold me to it! _

_Alright, here we go. Don't get excited – no MerDer sex scenes in this chapter. Sorry! However, this is plenty of sad Derek because I think that sad Derek is a seriously sexy thing. Naked Derek is the sexiest of course. And we really haven't seen too much Derek yet, and we certainly haven't seen any MerDer interaction and this is a story about them, so back to SGH where anyone could cut the tension with a scalpel._

_And before I begin, let us all take a moment of silence to worry about our girl Meredith, who is drowning in Seattle right now. I am a mess worrying about her. So, in my world she is definitely alive._

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The next morning, the sound of a soft rain plopping onto the roof filled Meredith's house; her roommates had been on call the previous night and so the house was empty except for Meredith and the grumbling coffee pot that sat across from her. She smiled at the coffee pot, knowing that the dark liquid it held might be the only thing that could this morning bearable. It was time to go back to work, just a day after Derek had called her a whore. And once again, Meredith awoke with a feeling that something bad was going to happen and on this day, she was pretty sure that the bad thing would be working with the head of Neurosurgery that hated her; the head of Neurosurgery who she hated, or at least tried really hard to hate.

And finally, when the coffee pot finished its grumblings and Meredith's mug was full, she threw her bag over her shoulder. As she locked the door of her house and walked down the steep steps, she considered thrusting herself to the driveway several feet below just to avoid going to work. She used to love waking up in the morning, knowing that she would save a life or two in the next dozen hours. However, when Meredith woke up in the morning, she was no longer accompanied by the warm body of Derek Shepherd; only by the knowledge that she would have to spend her day avoiding him, his wife and all of the other employees of the hospital who found her life as some sort of pathetic entertainment.

On her way to work, Meredith's mind was cluttered with bad feelings and so she forced herself to stop thinking about Derek and to place herself back in the mindset she embraced during med-school and her first few weeks of her internship: work, work, work. And as she walked into Seattle Grace Hospital and shook the rain off of her jacket, Meredith Grey decided that dating a man who didn't work with her would make her life so much easier; she would detach her emotions, separate herself from feeling anything within the walls of the hospital and dedicate her hours there to doing everything she could to keep her patients alive. _I will be a machine,_ Meredith though as she waltzed into the locker room.

"Bambi, get over it!" Meredith heard Cristina insist as she entered the room. George was seated on the wooden bench, pouting and clipping his ID tag to his jacket.

"I'm over it!" George responded, seeing Meredith and promptly digging through his locker, trying to signal to Cristina that the conversation was over.

"Are you still upset that Cristina stole your surgery?" Meredith asked, completely oblivious to the fact that their conversation had been about her. She giggled and slid off her shoes, not seeing the attempts at threatening looks George was trying to send to Cristina. This prompted Cristina to stick out her tongue at George and trace hearts with her fingers in the air over Meredith's head behind her back.

"McFetus is just being himself," Alex answered, slamming his locker door shut. He marched to the sink and brushed his teeth with such fury that not a single intern dared to ask what was wrong.

"Well, this should make for an interesting day," Meredith commented, pulling her scrub top over her head and smoothing her bangs. George watched intently, admiring Meredith's every move while Cristina did thrusting motions in the background accompanied by mouthing 'Oh Meredith' in George's direction. This caused Izzie to erupt in laughter and Meredith swung her head around in curiosity. "What is going on with everyone?"

"Shut it Oh-Happy-One. How was the non-existent sex with the Vet?" Cristina prodded, stopping her antics and scrounging around in Meredith's bag in search of food.

"And how was the non-existent sex with your very unhappy boyfriend?" Meredith shot back.

"There's a reason why they make vibrators, Meredith," Cristina commented as she fished the pathetic excuse for a scarf that her friend produced during her replace-sex-with-knitting experiment out of the large bag and examined it.

"For your information, I don't need a vibrator. I just might have sex with Finn tonight thank you," she answered, standing up and wrapping her lab jacket around her. The door to the locker room swung open and a loud voice penetrated the cluster of interns.

"Too much information people," Miranda Bailey barked as she barreled into the locker room, shaking her head disappointedly at her interns. Meredith blushed and stood up straight and Alex returned from the sink, wiping his mouth with fury. "We've got a lot to do today, let's get going and don't embarrass me. I want you on your toes!"

The group filed out of the locker room, trailing behind Dr. Bailey and Cristina pushed George to the side, eager to be at the front of the line.

"You are such a bully," he commented, trying to push get in front of her.

"And you are a tattle tale! Thanks to you, I'm going to be stuck doing scut and sutures all week!" Cristina answered bitterly, extending her foot to try and trip George. He clobbered forward, nearly falling into Bailey causing bystanders to stare in the group's direction. Meredith and Izzie tried to stifle their laughs and Alex shook his head.

"What is going on?" Bailey whipped her head around and asked the group of guilty looking interns. George frowned and Cristina looked into the distance. "I ask you to behave and instead you prance around the hospital like a group of third graders. Seriously, I should throw you all in the pit today! Rounds people, now pull it together!"

After rounds had finished, the five interns stood at the nurse's station waiting for Bailey to return from the bathroom. Meredith looked aimlessly down the hall as Izzie tried to end the bitter poking match taking place between George and Cristina. The doors to the elevator opened, and Derek walked out followed by a talkative and pleading Addison. Derek's face lacked any sign of emotion.

"At least let me buy some real plates Derek. You and me? We do not eat off of Wal-Mart plastic plates and Tupperware. Derek!" she whispered harshly under her breath.

"Addison, not know," he bellowed and continued down the hall, not even stopping to look at Meredith who had turned her back to the couple. Meredith lowered her head to the counter, wishing that she was back in bed or at least had some tequila to numb the certain pain that the rest of eternity would most likely hand her. She was snapped out of her reverie by the sound of Bailey slamming a pile of charts on the counter.

"Wake up, Grey! Alex, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd is performing a C-Section this morning. Meet her in 4320. Stevens, you're going to assist me with the appendectomy for Mr. Brown in 4450. Go pre-op him now. George, you're with Burke. Cristina scut. And Grey, get your head out of the clouds. You're in the pit until I say differently," Bailey ordered as she marched down the hall and the interns dispersed. Cristina and Meredith remained at the nurse's station and sulked.

"God hates me," Meredith muttered.

"Bailey hates me. That's worse," Cristina insisted and Meredith smiled in agreement.

"Remind me again why we want to be surgeons," Meredith begged. At the same time, Derek Shepherd marched out of the on-call room down the hall towards them in his scrubs, running his hand through his hair absent-mindedly. He looked up from his blackberry to see a life-threatening glare from Cristina and the eyes of Meredith glued to the floor in front of her. As he walked past and his scent lingered, Meredith shuttered and threw her hands into the deep pockets of her scrubs. Burke turned the corner, smiled at Shepherd and walked towards the elevator, blatantly ignoring Cristina.

"Because our lives would be nothing with out it," Cristina answered and lifted the stack of charts. She shrugged at Meredith, plopped the binders into a wheelchair and carted it down the hall, leaving Meredith to take a lonely elevator ride to the pit.

-----

Six hours later, two gapping forehead wounds, five sliced open fingers, three calf slices and 137 precisely placed stitches later Meredith Grey pulled off her gloves and scooted her stool to the sink in the Emergency room. As she pulled her hands from the water and dried them with a paper towel, the doors to the ER slammed open and a young boy on a stretcher was rushed into the area. Meredith approached the paramedics, inquiring about the boy whose eyes darted around the room in panic.

"Kyle Haggerty, 8 year old male, traumatic brain injury from hockey accident. Parents said that he was pushed into the glass and fell to the ground. Crack found in the helmet. BP stable, responsive, had brief seizure in the field – one dose of diazepam and hooked him to IV," the paramedic rattled off, as he helped Meredith transfer the boy to the hospital bed. While the paramedic placed the boy's IV on the bed's hook, Meredith took her flashlight out of her pocket to examine him. Suddenly his body began to shake violently, prompting Meredith to shout orders to the nearby nurse.

"Page someone! Let's push one of diazepam," she insisted, pulling the dosage from the drawer as the paramedic stood back. Meredith watched as the drug ended the seizing and sighed with relief. The little boy began to tear up.

"Hi Kyle, my name is Meredith. We're going to take an elevator ride, okay?" she soothed, taking her flashlight and looking at the boy's eyes. He nodded, and another nurse began to help Meredith push the hospital bed out of the ER and towards an elevator. The doors opened and Derek rushed out of them to find Meredith looking up at him.

"Is this our patient?" Derek asked, pushing personal feelings aside.

"Yes, Kyle Haggerty…" Meredith answered, rattling off all the important information as the two pushed the bed into the elevator. They both stretched to press the 4th floor button, the brief touch of flesh sending sparks through their bodies. Their eyes connected for what felt like eternity and his pupils dilated as Meredith remembered they did just after Derek would come. The memory brought a searing hot pain to her stomach and she turned away, choosing to grind her teeth to drown out the sound of her painful wishes. She hated that she couldn't hate him, she hated that his every look brought back a memory of when they had been happy and she hated that his touch alone shook the foundation she was trying so hard to maintain.

Derek watched as Meredith closed her eyes tight and shifted her jaw back and forth and the sight rocked him to his very core. He remembered the nights when Meredith would shut her eyes that tightly as the spasms of pleasure spread over her body and echoed into his own. He remembered the glimpse of pure love that rested in her eyes when she would reopen them and part her lips to murmur whispers of thanks. He hated that he couldn't hate her, he hated that her every look brought back a memory of when they had been happy and he hated that her touch was no longer reserved for him. The thought that he might never get to admire Meredith when their bodies melted together caused the pit of his stomach to tense and his eyes to cloud with an emotion so dark that not even Meredith would recognize it.

The sound of Kyle begging to know where his parents were snapped the two of their respective dark places and brought them back to the state that they vowed to stay: work, work, work.

"We are going to put you in a really cool looking machine," Derek answered as the doors opened with a ding. "And then we are going to put you in a room with your mom and dad, okay Kyle?" The little boy nodded and Meredith touched his hand, smiling kindly at his scared eyes.

Meredith watched as Kyle's body was slowly moved into the CT and she exited the room to join Derek in the monitoring station. A red-haired lab tech sat in between the two, clicking away and a silence thick with unspoken emotion filled the room. As the images progressed onto the screen, Derek and Meredith muttered.

"Shit-"

"Shit-"

"What do you see Grey?" Derek asked, standing up and avoiding her eyes with determination.

"Intracranial hemorrhaging, I'll go book an OR?" she responded, her voice distant and her eyes trained on the screen.

"You'll scrub in," he answered and walked down the hall, wishing desperately to look back but choosing to thrust his body into an empty on-call room and lean against the door. A silent wave of unstoppable tears set over his body and he brushed them away with determined fists. Instead of placing himself on the unmade bed and giving control to the emotions swimming inside of him, Derek stood stoically and exited the on-call room with a sheer determination to not let a single soul in the hall see the puffy edges of his tear-stained eyes.

A few minutes later, he entered the scrub room to find Meredith scrubbing her hands quietly, staring at the small boy on the table inside the OR. She did not dare to look at Derek and instead rinsed the last of the suds from her wrists, turned away from him and pulled a paper towel from the dispenser. Meredith shuffled behind him to retrieve a mask, avoiding touching his body as if he was a column of burning steel and as she neared the door to the OR, his piney-yet-sweet scent filled Meredith's nostrils and caused her shiver. She was certain that the rest of eternity at Seattle Grace was definitely going to be impossible.

When Derek entered the OR a few minutes later, Meredith stood at the boy's side while the anesthesiologist prepared to put him under.

"We'll see you soon, Kyle," Derek assured, and nodded to the doctor who then asked the young boy to count backwards. Meredith watched Derek's sure hands throughout surgery, finding it nearly impossible not to imagine how sure his hands were when he explored her body just a few months before.

"Grey, what do you see?" he asked only a few minutes later, pulling Meredith from her dangerous thoughts to look at the open skull flap before her.

"The blood-vessel definitely burst," she responded quickly, not missing a beat.

"Very good, suction," Derek demanded quietly, his voice barely audible and far from the confident tone that usually bellowed in the OR. The rest of the surgery continued, occasionally graced with accidental touches between him and Meredith which made concentrating a nearly impossible task. However three hours later, they had finished and Derek pulled the surgery lenses off of his face. "Want to close?" he asked her.

"Sure," Meredith accepted, dying to avoid a five minute scrubbing ceremony with Derek, who walked out of the room with such ease that she couldn't help but watch. The way that the fabric of his dark scrubs draped around him and hugged his broad shoulders made Meredith wonder how long it would take for her to get over him. She ignored the voice in her head that corrected her – how long it would take for her to stop loving him?

----

Her shift eventually ended, and Meredith was incredibly thankful that she didn't run into Derek again. As she exited the hospital, she pulled her cell phone out of her bag and called Finn. When she arrived at his door twenty minutes later, she pulled the pain from her eyes and surprisingly a smile willed itself onto her face.

"Hi," she whispered, entering his house and setting her bag on the floor.

"Hi," he whispered back, extending his hand to her.

"I was thinking," she began.

"Okay," Finn stated, tracing circles over her knuckles.

"I was thinking that we should maybe have sex tonight, you know if you wanted to, we could and-" Finn cut her off.

"Meredith…" he paused.

"Oh you don't want to, that's okay I mean I understand-" she looked away. Finn didn't speak, only placed his finger to her lips and made a hushing noise. Meredith closed her eyes and in a swift moment, Finn's finger was replaced with the softness of his lips. She slowly unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it from his body. Finn tenderly placed his hands on her hips and lifted her shirt over her head.

Their dance continued until the two were pressed skin to skin, lips to lips and as they united as one, Meredith watched as a few tears fell from Finn's eyes and rolled onto his cheeks. Something inside of Meredith turned, and the hope that she could be happy that had filtered away each minute she spent with Derek that day came reeling back and filled her heart until quiet, warm tears began to fall out of her eyes too. Meredith knew that she had to do everything she could to make this work and she stared into Finn's eyes as the two came to the brink of pleasure.


	4. If Looks Could Kill

**Chapter 4: If Looks Could Kill**

_Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. I wish I did because it would mean that I could command Ellen Pompeo and Patrick Dempsey to make out for hours on end. But I can't, because I do not own Grey's Anatomy._

_Okay so I am really trying to get better at updating more often. If you yell at me and send me mean e-mails I will probably be scared into update more. So you could try that. And reviews always help (okay I'll quit begging)._

_So here we go, I'm moving forward and I know that there hasn't been a lot of action but the action is coming. Like next chapter I drop a bombshell. You know how Shonda likes to tell us in her pod casts that there is a big thing coming at the end of the next episode? This is that kind of thing. So please hang in there and I promise my next update will have something cool in it. Yay!_

_So here we are. It is a month later in this world. Things are going well. And this chapter is mainly filler for the next one and kind of short but some important things happen to help you understand the worlds of our characters. So here you are, and please review! )_

-------

"Meredith, shut up," Cristina barked at her friend, her hand wrapped tightly around her mug of beer.

"You don't think that's weird?" Meredith whispered, tracing lines up and down the length of her glass, trying hard to not to seem as insecure as she felt.

"No, I do not think it is weird that you and McVet have yet to fight again. He's the true, un-married McDreamy. In fact he's better than McDreamy, he's McPerfect. Except for the fact that he does not do something totally cool like cut open brains for a living, he births baby horses," Cristina reassured Meredith, growing more frustrated by the minute. She couldn't help but wonder why her best friend had fallen for a horse-midwife. And then she remembered that the last man Meredith fell for turned out to be a married jackass, so she swigged the last of her beer and put a smile on her face.

"Well I do. Think it's weird," Meredith shrugged and mimicked her friend, drinking the last of her water.

"Mere, you don't know what to do when something good happens to you. That's what's weird," Cristina said bluntly, motioning to Joe that another beer was in order. Nursing Meredith through a night of reassurance required the addition of alcohol.

"Like you're one to give advice," Meredith pouted and dug through her purse until she found her cell phone to check for any missed messages.

"Seriously Meredith, I'm allowed to say this to you because I am a self-proclaimed bitch and I'm your person. Let's face it, you've had so many bad things happen to you that good things scare the shit out of you – they are new. I get it Mere but admit it, the pony midwife is good for you," as the words spilled out of her mouth, Cristina could barely understand why she was not in the bathroom vomiting. She, Cristina Yang, was encouraging Meredith to date a vet.

"But…"

"Is the sex good?" Cristina questioned, crushing the shell of a peanut in her hand.

"Well, yeah," Meredith answered.

"And the tequila-to-numb-the-pain… has that stopped?" Meredith only pointed to her glass of water and smiled.

"So then really, what else do you need?" Cristina begged of her friend.

"You get that I hate you, right?" Meredith muttered in defeat.

"You just hate that I'm always right. Now shut up and drink your water, you big baby," and as Cristina took another sip of her beer, Meredith's phone began to ring loudly in her purse. The picture of a grinning man that flashed on the screen of her best friend's phone told Cristina she was about to be subjected to a night of pure torture: stories from the animal kingdom.

"Finn's coming," Meredith couldn't help but smile. Her friend was right; Finn was the best thing to happen to her. He listened, he cared and he had never hurt her. That was worth a hell of a lot more than earth shattering sex and the painful memory of meeting your boyfriend's wife… right?

"Joe, could I get a shot of tequila please?" Cristina joked.

"You're not allowed to steal my coping mechanism. Besides, you said he was McPerfect!" Meredith defended her boyfriend, laughing as Cristina pretended to vomit.

"McPerfect for you and McPerfect for me are two totally different things. And Burke doesn't cry during sex," Cristina pointed out.

"So you just admitted that Burke was your McDreamy!" Meredith pointed a finger at her friend, taking note of her weakness.

"Burke cuts open peoples' chests, tinkers around with the very essence of their being and sews them back up again so that they can live. Finn cries while he's thrusting inside of you and castrates dogs. I don't think it's much of a stretch for me to say that we have different definitions of perfect, Mere."

"That's not always what McPerfect was to me!" Meredith shot back before she could stop herself. The fact of the matter was that it wasn't the lack of fighting that scared her… it was that she didn't have to coax Finn into sharing information with her, or try to talk him out of operating on someone's back and she certainly didn't have to worry about whether or not her roommates would think she was jeopardizing her career. Finn was safe and Finn was stable and the concept that there was no concrete reason to doubt their relationship left Meredith in a new and scary place.

"Touched a nerve, huh?" Cristina asked, cursing herself for her choice of words. Nerve… neuron… neurosurgeon… McDreamy… it wouldn't be long before Meredith would be reaching for the bottle of tequila.

"Maybe," Meredith answered, frustrated by the tango that she and Cristina were doing. Meredith had grown tired of having to be convinced that dating Finn was the right thing to do. She had grown tired of wondering whether or not she should tell her best friend that she compared sex with Finn to sex with Derek on an unhealthy and constant basis. She had grown tired of waking up each morning next to Finn's sleeping form knowing that she had to go save the lives of humans while he saved the lives of those humans' pets. Meredith had grown tired of trying to replace Derek.

"Stop trying to replace him, Mere," Cristina whispered and startled Meredith. Did Cristina really know her that well, that she could predict Meredith's thoughts?

"I… I can't help it," a tiny voice in Meredith's throat escaped.

"It will get easier with time."

"How do you know?" Meredith questioned meekly.

"Because you are strong. That's how I know. As beautiful and as touching as this moment was, it makes my skin crawl. So can we just savor the few minutes we have before I have to hear about Balto's litter being delivered today?" Cristina smiled.

"Okay, but come pee with me first," Meredith insisted, lifting herself from her seat and wiping some peanut shells off of her outfit.

"You can be such a girl… really Meredith, it doesn't suit you," Cristina protested, following Meredith to the bathroom. They made their way through the small crowd of people and into the bathroom at the back of the bar. As her friend closed the door to her stall, Cristina examined herself in the mirror. "I am really good looking," she commented.

"You want to know who is really good looking?" Meredith questioned from her secluded place as she squatted above the toilet.

"Say the vet and I will kill you," Cristina interjected, her voice falling as the door to the bathroom opened and none other than Addison Montgomery-Shepherd entered the small space.

"Good evening Doctor Yang," her pleasant voice echoed and drowned out the noise of Meredith's hitched breath.

"Um, yeah hi Doctor Montgomery-Shepherd," she squeaked, a small part of her considered fleeing and abandoning Meredith.

"I'm surprised that you are not doing pre-rounds already," Addison joked and smiled at Cristina who did not even bother to respond. "You can say it, Yang. 'I'm surprised that you are not showing up in town and destroying Meredith's life.' I get it, you guys hate me. And I can't blame you but you have to know that Derek is worth fighting for. I hope you can come to understand that," Addison insisted, turning her head to see Meredith's slouched body nearly crawling out of the stall.

The air in the room seemed to disappear and Meredith felt as if she were choking. Being trapped in a dingy bathroom with the perfect wife that ruined her life was far from an ideal way to spend the night.

"Doctor Grey," Addison managed, her voice much quieter and a degree kinder than it had been before.

"Hi," Meredith breathed, quickly moving to the sink to wash her hands.

"Well, this is awkward," Addison tried to ease the tensions but saw not even the slightest movement in Meredith's determined demeanor.

"Doctor Shepherd, you don't have to try and explain yourself. He's your husband, I was just the stupid intern dumb enough to be his mistress. Really, I'm over it. I'm seeing Finn now," Meredith stated quietly, surprised at how easily the words tumbled out of her mouth. In that instant, a small piece of Addison broke. Suddenly she had an explanation for Derek's increased complacency and quiet anger: Meredith had moved on. Clearly, Derek hadn't… even if he was sleeping next to his wife each night.

"Enjoy your night," Meredith added as she left the room, a startled Cristina on her tail.

"That right there… that is why you are my person," Cristina commented as they got back onto their seats at the bar.

"He's here… and Finn is coming soon. And I can't deal with that because he will watch me. It's bad enough to have to work with him, but to see him hang his head over his scotch is just too much," Meredith admitted, silently begging Cristina for some sort of answer with her eyes.

"Mere please don't tell me that I have to call you Bambi now. Seriously," Cristina replied, scanning the room for Derek.

"Okay," Meredith nodded and placed a peanut in her mouth, slowly chewing it as a means of something to concentrate on.

"Don't worry, they're leaving," Cristina referred to the Shepherds who were exiting Joe's Bar, one behind the other. The jangle of the bell alerted Meredith's attention to the door, where Finn was standing face to face with Derek.

"Doctor Shepherd and the other Doctor Shepherd," Finn smiled, and extended his hand while smiling at Addison.

"Finn," Derek mustered in a voice that was far detached from being pleasant.

"You're leaving? You two should join Meredith and me for a drink. I know she's here somewhere," he insisted as he scanned the room for his girlfriend.

"Sorry, we've got to get going," Derek rejected the invitation, eager to get out of the bar as soon as possible.

"Oh well sometime later then, have a great evening," Finn smiled at Addison and grinned when he saw Meredith sitting at the bar, nonchalantly observing the scene unfold. Derek watched as Finn stared at Meredith, and fought hard to keep his hands at his sides. The jealousy that consumed him was something foreign to Derek and he struggled with the new emotion. But beyond the jealousy lied something much scarier: all Derek could think of as he watched Meredith look at another man was that _their_ sacred place, _their_ bar, was no longer theirs. Meredith had replaced him; she had even brought that man into the very place where she and Derek started the tangled weave of love and angst. The realization that Meredith truly was no longer his, that she had truly moved on filled Derek Shepherd with pain.

As they left the Emerald City Bar and Derek jetted through the parking lot, Addison held her breath. This was it… the defining moment of her marriage. The moment where she knew that the eleven years of faith she had were meaningless now – Derek truly did not love her. As Derek slammed the door of the car, Addison smiled. She was finally ready to let go of Derek Shepherd and she only hoped that her husband was ready to admit that being noble was a silly mistake.

By the time they had reached the trailer, Derek's breathing had turned into a series of repeated huffs. He did not even try to hide the fact that rage was swimming through his blood. He marched into the trailer and locked himself in the bathroom. Derek cursed himself for denying his heart when during the couple of months since Addison had returned it grew more and more difficult to ignore the voice inside his head that told him he made a mistake. Derek was angry at himself more than he was at Finn; he pushed Meredith away. He had been fooling himself all these months and in the meantime had destroyed so many people; himself, Meredith and Addison. As tears fell from Derek's eyes, he knew it was time to stop destroying people for the sake of nobility. When he emerged from their bathroom, he finally settled his nerves. Addison sat on the bed, a small understanding smirk gracing her face.

"Addie, we need to talk…"


	5. Kaboom

**Chapter 5: Kaboom**

_Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. I wish I did because then I would live on the set and I would slip slowly into believing that it was reality._

_Okay, so finally. Something interesting. I know that my story has been pretty boring so far. But here goes nothing… and I hope you enjoy this little plot twist. I haven't seen it done yet which really excites me. So yes, please enjoy this chapter and let me know what you think! The good, the bad, whatever comes to you. I at least hope that this sparks some sort of reaction. So yes, enjoy. I'll shut up now. )_

_OH! This is around two – three weeks after the last chapter. Don't want to confuse you. And Denny never happened. Sorry… I told you it's a bit AU._

_One last bit… I'm going away to Walt Disney World for a week, so I probably won't be able to update until the 11th or a little bit after that. Sorry!_

------

"Meredith, hurry up!" Izzie screamed up the stairs, growing more and more impatient by the minute. She and George were standing at the front door, their bags fully packed, coats zipped and hats in place. As Meredith came bounding down the stairs, she couldn't help but laugh at how much her roommates looked like little kids waiting for the bus.

"Sorry, it's just one of those days," Meredith commented, pulling her jacket out of the closet and searching the living room for her bag.

"Yeah, well try telling that to Bailey, and your bag is in the kitchen next to the coffee maker. I already filled your mug, now let's go!" Izzie barked, and picked one of George's mittens off the floor. Meredith walked frantically towards the front door, buttoning her coat and digging her keys out of her pocket. The ride to the hospital was quiet and filled with George making angry huffing noises in the back seat.

"What is wrong with you?" the blonde passenger insisted, looking back at George.

"Nothing, I just wanted to get to work somewhat early this morning and now Bailey is going to let Cristina get the good surgeries. And I'm sweating because Meredith has the heat jacked up to an oven-like temperature!" he whined, ripping his hat off of his head.

"Aww poor baby," Izzie smiled and turned the heat dial to a reasonable temperature. Meredith responded by turning the dial back to it's hottest setting. "God, what's wrong with you this morning, McPassiveAggressive?"

"Nothing," Meredith barked back, signaling and turning into the hospital parking lot.

"You grumpy people suck," Izzie responded, sticking her tongue out at George who was wiping his brow with his sleeve. As Meredith maneuvered the jeep into a parking spot, George whipped open the door and jumped out, running into the hospital. "Something is wrong with him," Izzie commented, opening her door and waiting for Meredith at the back of the jeep.

"We can't be all bright and shiny like you all the time Iz," Meredith commented, a sour expression gracing her face.

"And something is wrong with you."

"I'm me, Izzie. Dark and twisty," Meredith grunted, walking side by side with her friend to the hospital entrance.

"You could tell me, you know, what's wrong with you."

"There's nothing wrong, I just have a feeling. That's all," the brunette shrugged and opened the door to Seattle Grace Hospital.

"Uhoh," Izzie answered, remembering the last time that her roommate had a feeling. That ended with Meredith holding a bomb and pulling it out of a body cavity. Feelings and Meredith were never a good combination. The hospital was beginning to buzz around them as they waited for the elevator. They were late.

"Exactly. Now will you shut up about it?" Meredith smiled and stepped into the elevator.

"Awful testy this morning, aren't we?" Alex asked, jumping into the small space before the doors shut. Meredith didn't even bother to respond, instead choosing to stare at the ground complacently.

"You tend to have that effect on people," Izzie shot back, giving Alex an angry grin.

"That's not the tune you whistled last night. Actually there was no whistling last night. Just you screaming my name," he threw a smug smile in her direction and leaned against the railing of the elevator.

"And then I tossed you out on your ass."

Silence took over the elevator until Meredith finally burst out in giggles. Finally the other two interns joined her and when the doors opened to reveal the surgical floor, an angry Miranda Bailey stood, a look of pure disdain plastered on her face. The three interns quickly glanced at each other and silenced themselves.

"You fools are late. Somehow Yang and O'Malley managed to get here on time. You're not even in your damn scrubs! I better see you at the nurses' station in two minutes or else you can bet I'll have you all on scut for the rest of the week," the short woman shouted and turned to charge down the hall way. Within a matter of milliseconds, the three were racing down the hall and into the locker room. When they returned to the nurses' station one minute and 48 seconds later, Bailey stood awaiting them. After they had finished their rounds, their resident barked out assignments.

"Alex, your presence has been requested by Montgomery-Shepherd. Yang, you're with Burke on an aortic aneurism… thank you for getting here on time. O'Malley you'll be assisting me in the OR, go prep Mr. Nielson. Izzie, I want you in the pit. Meredith, scut unless I say otherwise." The interns quickly dispersed, and Meredith and Izzie each stood at the nurses' station in shock.

"Sorry," Meredith muttered, looking at Izzie with guilt written on her features.

"Tell me and I'll forgive you," Izzie pleaded with her friend, trying desperately to understand why Meredith had been so upset for the past week. "Is it Finn?"

"No, Finn is great. I mean, he's wonderful. I just, ugh," Meredith sighed, picking up a few binders and tucking them under her arm.

"You what?" Izzie prodded.

"I just feel like something isn't right with me. Like, I've been so sluggish lately. And there's no explanation. And Finn is wonderful. And my muscles ache. Maybe it's just a cold or something," Meredith rambled, deciding not to confess to the growing worry she had.

"Could be mono, you should get a blood test, I'll do one for you quick," Izzie offered, smiling at her friend. The two walked to an exam room, grabbing a kit from the cart in the hall way. When Izzie finished a few moments later, she handed Meredith the bag with a smile.

"Thanks Iz," Meredith gave a lazy smile and hopped off the exam table.

"Anytime. I better get to the pit before Bailey comes looking for me."

The two walked their separate directions, Meredith taking the elevator to the lab and Izzie taking the stairs to the pit. As Meredith handed her blood work over to the tech, she quickly checked one more test box and turned on her heel. This was going to be one long day.

----

Meredith sat on one of the beds in the basement, charts and binders scattered around her. It had been four hours since she handed in her blood work and she had barely accomplished anything. She couldn't focus and not even the quiet of the secluded hallway could calm her. Numbers and abbreviations melted together until Meredith pulled herself off the bed in frustration. _What is wrong with me!?_ she thought angrily, piling the binders one on top of the other and making her way to the elevator. She silently prayed that it would be empty, not wanting to have to deal with the stares she still received from nurses and other doctors who found her life as a source of entertainment.

However, instead of boarding the elevator alone Meredith heard a set of footsteps behind her. His scent assaulted her immediately, making her weeks go weak. It scared Meredith to death that he could still have that effect on her, even when their relationship was so far from existing peacefully that people could not even label them platonic. The words chaotic and shattered were what came to mind.

"Hi," he whispered, afraid of startling her. Derek stared at his Meredith, who looked like a fragment of a person even from behind. Her thin frame looked even smaller than it usually did and he couldn't help but worry.

"What are you doing down here?" she whispered back, pulling the binders tighter to her chest as if to guard herself from the power he seemed to have over her. She refused to turn her head to look at him, terrified of what damage it would do to look into his eyes.

"Snacks," he answered simply, moving the bags around in his pocket, the crunching of the containers filling the silence.

"Oh," Meredith answered as the doors to the elevator opened and she stepped inside. Derek finally got to look at her face and a part of him shattered into a million pieces. She looked scared, tired and totally insecure in his presence. They stood in the tiny space, the scents of lavender and pine mixing together until Derek could no longer tolerate the silence.

"I'm sorry," he choked out, his voice cracking quietly.

"Okay," Meredith replied, holding back tears and staring as the lights slowly changed. She counted them silently. _One, two, three, four_…

"How'd you get stuck with scut?" he asked his voice more confident as they stepped out of the elevator.

"I was late," she answered, refusing to look at him as she placed her collection of binders on the counter of the nurses' station.

"Any interest in assisting on a craniotomy? I could use an intern," he asked, dying to spend a couple hours with her. Even if it was over an open skull flap, not her very comfortable bed that he missed more and more with each passing day.

"You don't have to do me favors just because you're sorry," Meredith snapped, trying desperately not to let the hurt seep out of her voice. She just wanted this to be over.

"It isn't a favor. Meredith we're going to be working together for another six years. I can find another intern, I just thought… never mind," Derek reasoned, his heart breaking as Meredith kept her eyes glued on her sneakers and wringed her hands.

"Okay," she answered, finally looking into his eyes. She searched the navy depths for any trace of bad intentions, but only found sincerity and a small glimmer of hurt that Derek was trying desperately to pull back into his core. Finally he pulled his gaze away, and gave Meredith a small attempt at a smile.

"Go ahead and prep Mrs. Kramer… 3387 and I will see you in OR3 in an hour," Derek stated and slowly walked down the hallway. He entered the on-call room and lowered himself onto one of the beds, trying to catch some perspective. He was dying inside to tell Meredith about his talk with Addison, about the fact that he too was late to work because he went to the attorney to pick up the draft of the divorce papers. Instead, he willed himself to silence. He didn't want Meredith to think that he was trying to pull her away from Finn; he knew better than to do that. Instead, the desire to be noble that dominated his actions convinced Derek that Meredith needed to discover on her own that she should come back to him. That was what he would do: he would wait for Meredith to have the same realization that he did.

Derek's mind raced widely for the rest of the hour until the sound of his pager pulled him from his thoughts and to the scrub room where Meredith was slowly scrubbing her hands and arms, the scent of hospital soap and lavender bringing a small smile to Derek's face.

They scrubbed in silence, both staring at the quiet murmur of activity in the OR. When they had finished, Derek turned to look at Meredith. She gave a small tug of a smile and left the scrub room and Derek found her at the head of the operating table, waiting for him.

"It's a beautiful afternoon to save lives. Now let's have some fun," he stated in his most confident voice and turned to Meredith. "Grey, would you like to open?"

She simply took the scalpel from the scrub nurse and began to do what she had seen Derek do a million times, tuning out his quiet whispers of "good" and "more pressure" until she had completed her task. Meredith found it terribly ironic that she could only manage to complete a task when Derek was urging her on. As she stepped back and let Derek get started on the actual surgery, Meredith's mind fell into a dangerous place where she thought of everything that had taken place between them. Somehow, despite it all they could not resist each other. The notion that they could do this tango of angst for the rest of her residency filled Meredith with conflicting emotions. She couldn't stand her life when she wasn't with him, but she couldn't imagine her life without him.

As she watched the scrub nurse hang another pint of blood, Meredith shuttered. Her results should be done. She would finally know the truth… if something was physically wrong or if her emotions had been playing games with her head.

"Grey," Derek's voice caused Meredith to jump.

"Sorry," she answered, begging him with her eyes not to question her.

"What's the last step?" Meredith closed her eyes tightly, ashamed that she had been in stuck in her head for so long that hours had passed without her even noticing.

"Uh… place another clip and close?"

"Very good, go ahead," he motioned, stepping to the side as Meredith stood in his place and carefully placed the clip inside the brain of their patient. When she earned Derek's approval, they exited the OR and returned to the scrub room where they washed in silence.

"You okay?" he asked as Meredith discarded her paper towel into the bin. She nodded and headed for the door. "You sure? Because you can talk to me," Derek pleaded.

"I'm fine," she answered and opened the door, nearly sprinting to the elevator. She checked her watch and noticed that it was already 7:30. She couldn't get to the blood lab quick enough. When she finally arrived, she found Cristina leaning against the wall sipping a coffee and waiting as patiently as Cristina could.

"What are you doing here?" her friend interrogated, glancing at Meredith with skepticism.

"I was on scut, remember?" Meredith lied, tapping her foot on the ground waiting for the lab tech to return from the back of the room.

"So what's with the jitters?" Cristina insisted, watching Meredith squirm in anticipation.

"Jitters? What jitters? I'm not jittery," she lied, closing her eyes and twisting her watching around her wrist as many times as she could manage.

"Something is wrong with you."

"Nothing is wrong," Meredith shot a look at her friend and sighed loudly as the lab tech finally returned. "Uhh results, for Grey," she barked, ignoring the knowing smirk she was receiving from Cristina.

"Spit it out already, don't make me beat it out of you," Crisitina insisted. Meredith clutched the piece of paper that would answer the question that had been eating her all day. She was terrified to look, so instead chose to hand it to Cristina and drag her into one of the small exam rooms.

"I've had this feeling. You know me and feelings. So I've been having this feeling. And I'm really hoping that I am wrong. God I hope I'm wrong. So I need you to tell me," Meredith rambled.

"Okay," Cristina nodded, looking down at the paper. Silence filled the room until Meredith finally let the words spill out of her mouth.

"Cristina, I'm two weeks late. I'm…" Meredith began to shake as tears came streaming out of her eyes. "I'm two weeks late and I need you to tell me if I'm, if I'm, god I need you to tell me if I'm pregnant. Am I pregnant?" Meredith begged.

"Yeah," Cristina replied.


	6. Miss Halfway

**Chapter 6: Miss Halfway**

_Disclaimer: Grey's is not mine. Not even a tiny piece of Grey's is mine… which can be quite depressing to realize._

_Sorry about the very long wait and the mean cliffhanger. I had a wonderful time in Disney but when I came back the work piled up really fast. One million apologies!_

_So yeah things probably aren't looking too good for Meredith and Derek at this point. Just when Derek has taken the steps to end things with Addison and to give Meredith some space, Finn comes and ruins everything with his stupid boy penis. But keep in mind that I am a MerDer shipper and somehow this will come full circle. Enjoy and please review!_

-----

Meredith froze. The only part of her that moved was her eyes, which darted from corner to corner as the room slowly began to spin. She had known that this was a possibility. But knowing that something could happen and knowing that something was happening were two totally different realities. So Meredith froze.

Cristina didn't speak. In fact, Cristina did not dare to make a sound. She watched her friend's face, which remained utterly still except for the occasional flutter of eyelashes as Meredith blinked. She studied Meredith's expression, searching for a meaning behind her tightly closed lips and arched eyebrows. Instead, Cristina found nothing: she could not read her person. So instead she studied the test results, praying that there was some sort of mix up. Meredith was just starting to become herself again, finally pulling out of her cracked shell and her best friend wondered if this news would utterly destroy the tiny brunette.

They stood like that for a few minutes, a couple of feet away from each other, frozen in place until the shrill sound of a page shattered the silence. Cristina looked at the screen, took the piece of paper in her hand and tucked it into the pocket of Meredith's scrubs. She reluctantly left the room, looking back as she entered the elevator to find that Meredith was gone.

-----

Meredith sat on a bench outside, not even caring about the light shower of rain that was slowly soaking her scrubs. A million thoughts raced through her head and she struggled to make sense of them. She felt like she was living in an alternate universe, in the twilight zone. She was pregnant. There was another life growing inside of her. Another life. Inside of her. Slowly, she felt the fear of that knowledge expanding in her stomach. It expanded until it eventually felt like something concrete: it left Meredith with the sensation that there was a boulder in her core.

So Meredith sat on the bench with her fear and did nothing but remain that way as the rain grew stronger and stronger. Within minutes it was pouring, but Meredith did not move. The water dripped from her hair and ran down her face while large drops found each and every fold in her clothing, causing her scrubs to cling to her body. Darkness had completely engulfed the Seattle evening, but Meredith still sat on the bench. She did not even shiver… she was too frozen to do so.

She heard people pass by with the soft splashes of their feet hitting the puddles, she could feel their curious glances on her wet skin, and she could smell their interest lingering around her. But she sat. And time continued to pass from minutes to hours. Meredith, her boulder and the rain. She looked at her pants and saw the folds of paper protruding from her pocket. Meredith gripped the sopping wet material and carefully lifted the edges from one another. She stared at the checked box. It was not so much of a check as a quick scratch of the pen; as if the person who checked that box did so without a care. Meredith was startled; her future was now nothing but a quick scratch of a pen on a piece of copy paper that was slowly turning into pulp.

Meredith did not know what to feel. So she sat on the bench with her boulder until the rain slowly retreated and was nothing but a fine mist falling on the quiet night. She turned her head slightly and looked at the hospital, a deep worry building up as she realized that soon all of the people who worked with her would eventually find out about this. If she decided to keep the baby, which required decision making which hadn't even crossed her mind yet, she would balloon up and the gossip would never end. If she didn't keep the baby who knows what the cruel and vulture-like lab techs would tell. Meredith searched the visible corridors of the hospital for any sign of life and only saw one figure, one she recognized instantly.

Derek leaned against the railing looking out into the Seattle night where the lights of the parking lot prevented him from watching the glisten of ferry boats on the harbor water. He had been standing there for a while, studying the horizon when one of the parking lot lights flickered and drew his attention to a tiny frame on a park bench. It was a frame he recognized instantly, slouching in defeat. It was Meredith: she looked destroyed. Derek's heart jumped into his throat. What was wrong? Why was Meredith sitting outside after a Seattle downpour, staring into the hospital? He watched her for a few minutes, debating whether or not to run down to her rescue. He was about to do just that when her eye caught his, even from 80 feet away. They stared at each other with a tension so thick Derek thought he might choke. She was telling him not to look at her, not to think about her, not to rescue her with just one glance. He glanced back and gave a slight nod with his head, one that only Meredith could understand. She wanted him to leave her alone and for once, Derek listened.

He walked down the hallway, numb. He knew nothing concrete, but he could tell that something was not right. As Derek threw himself onto an on-call room bed, his mind raced about what to do. He could not sit still while he knew Meredith was in pain. So he dug his cell phone from his pocket, searched for the one name that came to mind and called Finn.

-----

Finn watched Meredith from his car. She looked broken. Derek had called him, whispered something about Meredith sitting outside and looking distressed. At first the oddness of the call startled Finn but he quickly realized that Derek was only trying to look out for Meredith, the reasons for which Finn wished he could figure out. But the worry for his girlfriend caused him to race from his office to the hospital, only to find his girlfriend exactly where his patient-owner had said he would find her. Finally he walked towards her, a lump building in his throat. He knew that Meredith was scary and damaged, but he had never seen her broken.

"Hi," he whispered, not wanting to make Meredith jump with surprise. Instead she said nothing. "Meredith," he whispered again.

Meredith did not dare to look at Finn. She worried that her eyes would tell the whole story. They had only been together for a little over three months now and she had no idea how to tell her boyfriend that they were pregnant. How do you tell someone that barely knows you that there is a life they helped to create nestled inside of you? Meredith could not stop herself: she thought of Derek. How would she tell Derek if this were his baby? She imagined walking into his trailer to find him sprawled out on the bed, his features soft with the quiet murmur of sleep, a dim pool of light falling upon his strong jaw. Meredith imagined nestling into his arms and as his eyes fluttered open, taking his large hand and placing it carefully over her flat abdomen. She imagined that her eyes said everything and Derek's pupils spread open with awe, with admiration. They did not speak a word, they only gave into the happy tears that spread down their cheeks, melding together at the point where their lips were pressed together in an intimate kiss.

"Meredith, are you alright?" Finn's quiet voice startled Meredith from her reverie. She carefully lifted her face and looked into his eyes, the clear pools of green that she was slowly becoming familiar with. Meredith looked at Finn, hoping not to have to speak the words she was dreading. Instead of reacting with a smile, with a realization Finn continued to look at her, puzzled.

"What is it? You can tell me if something is upsetting you Meredith, that's what I'm here for," Finn pleaded, observing Meredith carefully as he lowered himself onto the bench with her. She looked at him, trying one last time to explain everything with her eyes. It left her no other choice but to finally speak. The task seemed foreign to Meredith, like something she had never done before. As her lips moved to form the first word, she looked at her hands and let the sound escape from her mouth.

"I…" she started, a small tear falling down onto her already damp cheek, "I… I lost a patient."

"Oh Meredith, I'm so sorry," Finn insisted. "Was it someone you knew?"

"No, it was a kid," Meredith lied, watching Finn's face for any sort of reaction.

"That must be hard," he forced out, having no idea how to help Meredith cope. Sure he was a doctor too, but his patients were of a total different sort. And although he understood the, and he understood their owners, he couldn't imagine how someone could watch a child die or how it might effect them.

"Can I ask you something?" Meredith's quiet whisper broke his thoughts.

"Of course," he nodded, running his fingers over Meredith's knuckles.

"Why didn't you and your wife have any children?" she searched his lips with her eyes, terrified to look into his eyes.

"She couldn't," he answered simply.

"Did you want them?"

"Did I? With every fiber within me… but I came to peace with it. We were considering adoption before the accident," Finn revealed, giving a small tug of a smile to Meredith.

"Can I ask you something else? Because it's something I've been wondering for a while now and I am just going to ask you, alright?" Meredith rambled, her anxiety filtering into her every word.

"Yes," Finn answered.

"The other night, you said you had plans. With me. But you didn't say what they were. And I just was wondering, if you could maybe you know tell me what some of them are? And I won't be scared, even if they might sound scary," Meredith continued.

"Meredith Grey, my plans? To take you to Europe this summer, to spend days on a beach on the Mediterranean. To kiss you softly when we stand on the Eiffel Tower. To make love to you in a tiny cottage in Tuscany. To hold you in my arms each night. To spend days upon countless days with you. To ask you to marry me someday. To hope that you say yes. Those were my plans," Finn explained.

"Okay," Meredith answered. Normally, those kinds of plans would terrify her. But they sounded insignificant compared to the truth she was searching for a way to reveal.

"Scared?" Finn inquired, sensing Meredith's hesitation.

"No," she paused, "because my plans, well they are scarier. Finn, I have to tell you something, the real reason I sat in the cold rain for hours. Because I just don't want to wait. Because this isn't the type of thing that people are supposed to wait about. So I am going to throw it out and there and you can just tell me what you think," Meredith continued, picking at her cuticles and running her thumbs over the damp skin of her hands.

"Okay," Finn responded.

"I am pregnant," Meredith said, the words falling from her lips for the first time. She could not bear to look at Finn, fearing his reaction.

"You're…"

"Pregnant, yes," Meredith muttered, continuing to occupy herself with her hands until she felt the softness of Finn's touch on her chin, tilting her face to look at him.

"That is the greatest news I've ever heard," he answered truthfully, a smile beaming across his face.

"It is?" Meredith asked, pure shock seeping into her voice.

"Mer, you have to understand. I never thought I would get to have children. I never thought that I would find love again. Two things that I never thought would happen have happened. You have given me a second chance at life… I can't thank you enough." Finn told her, pressing his cheek to her forehead.

"Oh," Meredith responded, her breath catching in her throat.

"Please tell me that you are happy too, because Meredith if you aren't it's something that I need to know," her boyfriend expressed seriously.

"I am," she answered, giving every ounce of motivation to make her voice sound as happy as she was supposed to be. The truth was that she was terrified. She hadn't realized it but she desperately wanted Finn to tell her that he just wasn't ready for children and that it might be a good idea to consider their other option. But his reaction startled Meredith… it was gushy and full of words that made her nervous.

"Say it," he urged, his previous words echoing in Meredith's head. _'You gave me a second chance at life…'_. Meredith couldn't break the hope that Finn had shared with her. He had a great deal of terrible things happen to him and the last thing Meredith wanted to do was make someone else experience more heartbreak. She had dealt with plenty of it herself and to subject that on someone else, it was something that she just couldn't do. Even if it meant sacrificing her true desires, she insisted on not hurting Finn. So instead she placed a smile on her face and looked into Finn's eyes.

"I am happy," she pressed her lips to his, taking the final leap. With three words, three words that were the substance of a lie, Meredith chose her path.


End file.
